And then, in the last few days, as I awaited hearing from Human Resources, I envisioned something else. What if I had to write "I didn't get the job"? After I'd initially applied and was waiting to hear about an interview, someone close to me asked me how I'd feel if I didn't get the job. "Devastated," I replied. But in the last few days, that feeling of devastation slipped away, and I felt a peace about me that I was ok with whatever happened.
This morning, I received an email telling me what I think I knew on some level already.
I did not get the job.
I've spent most of the day going through the ups and downs associated with sadness and disappointment. I know how comforting it is to tell myself that maybe God has something I'd like even better in store for me, that I need to trust God in everything.
I have learned the lesson that being at peace with something doesn't necessarily take away disappointment or sadness.
— Kelly J Youngblood (@kjpyoungblood) May 16, 2014
The emotions have come and gone throughout the day, but I am still struck by what seems to be the dis-congruity of feeling that. It seems odd, doesn't it? You'd think that being sad and disappointed would mean not feeling ok with what happened. I've even tried to make myself get angry about it a couple of times, but I can't. I did find out who got the job, and think she is a great choice and I can understand the difficult decision that the hiring committee faced.
And so I am left wondering how it fits into my theme of "Alive" for the year. While yes, I would've felt more alive in a job I would enjoy, I also know that being alive comes in many ways, and maybe I was counting too much on a job helping me to feel that way. I don't know. But what I do know is that life doesn't always go the way we hope, and we can wallow in the sadness or we can be positive and look ahead to future possibilities--even if they are unknown.
I've also written a bit this year about the first few verses of Genesis. The one that is coming to mind now is verse 2. There are different ways of translating it, but the way it has been in my head has been from the NIV:
Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
There was no light yet, but the Spirit of God was there, hovering, waiting in the darkness. In those times in our lives when it seems dark, God is still there, whether we recognize it or not.